When Spike Met Superman & His Bodyguard Lois
by Lil Miss Giggles
Summary: Spike hates Superman. Spike meets Superman. So does Buffy. Put them together and what do you get?


When Spike met Superman and his bodyguard called Lois.  
  
  
Read and REVIEW. REVIEWREVIEWREVIEWREVIEWREVIEWREVIEW...OKAY?????!!!!!!!  
You may be able to tell that I HATE Superman. HATE him with a hate more hateful than anything Crunchbucket or Emerald Embers can think of. I hate him more than Tina hates Buffy, and THAT'S an achievement!!!!!  
  
  
  
Lois Lane strolled peacefully through the streets of Sunnydale,  
"Lois honey?"  
"Yeah?"  
"Is it safe to come out now?"  
The Daily Planet reporter looked around her theatrically (with the hand above her eyes and everything) and nodded her head,  
"It's safe... for now...."  
Out stepped Clark Kent, buttoning up his shirt, hiding the yellow and red "S" emblum on his chest. They froze as they saw a can rolling across the road, Lois whipped a revolver from her belt. Clark stepped infront of the offending drinks container and thought deeply,  
"Well from the projectorary, thw wind speed, and the shape of the road and can, I'd saaaaay, this can was *KICKED*!"  
  
[audience gasp, and music plays - Da da DAAAAA!!!!]  
  
"Yes boys and girls, this can was kicked!"  
Lois steps back in horror, almost fainting,  
"Oh no! You don't mean - "  
"Yes Lois. Someone must have used their foot to kick it. We're not alone!"  
"Oh Clark!!What shall we do?!"  
"We don't do any thing. This is a job for [da da daaaa] Superman!"  
He runs behind a bush and out comes - you're never gonna guess - Superman!  
Superman puts a reassuring hand on Lois's shoulder,  
"Don't worry fair damsel, I will save you!"  
Lois swoons,  
"Oh My *HERO*!!!"  
"I shall use my x-ray eyes to scan the surrounding environment for body heat!"  
"S'not gonna work cos I haven't got any. And what's so bad about kicking a can? It was mine to kick!"  
  
[Camera swings round for a close up on the perpatrator]  
  
"Why're you wearing your underwear outside your clothes? And what's with the stage directions?!"  
Superman takes up a defensive stance, and points a warning finger at Spike,  
"Halt!"  
The vampire raises an eyebrow in amusement, and takes a step closer,  
"Halt Halt I say! I shall have to use my eye-laser-things!"  
Lois stands behind her husbands alter ego,  
"He means it! He's not afraid of violence!"  
  
[Spike grins menacingly and steps closer]   
  
"Good. Neither am I....and take me *out* of those sodding brackets! I'm not a piece of scenery!"  
  
[Lil Miss Giggles:- Blame that tosser, he's the one who wanted them not me!]  
[Spike steps off stage to talk to L.M.G.]  
{Spike:- Get rid of him!  
L.M.G.:- Sorry, can't. That's your job.  
Spike:- How in the name of Hellmouth am I supposed to so that?!  
L.M.G.:- Think stone. Green glowing stone.  
Spike:-.............  
L.M.G.:- Kryptonite ring any bells?}  
[The vampire runs back on stage and smiles innocently at the two intruders]  
"Just wait there a minute. AND TAKE ME OUT OF THOSE FUCKING STAGE DIRECTIONS!!!!"  
  
[he runs away. and comes back 6 hrs later. He grins at a very bored Lil Miss Giggles.]  
"Hi Honey I'm hooooome!"  
[Lois and Superman are asleep in the road. Superman wakes, sensing the tool of his destruction nearby. He looks at Spike, who has a huge bag over his shoulder. It just happens to be glowing a greenish colour.]  
  
"Did you miss me?"  
[He puts the bag on the floor and tips out the contents.]  
"You said you weren't afraid of violence? Fair enough."  
He selects a green-glowing rail road spike, fashioned from - you guessed it - Kryptonite.  
[L.M.G.:- Now , Spike, play fair.!"]  
"I am! He has super powers, I have railroad spikes and spoons. Okay so they're made of Kryptonite, but that's not the point!"  
He looks up,  
"At last, no more stage directions! Now, where was I? Oh yeah, my spikes!"  
He tosses it in the air half-heartedly, speaking as if to an old friend.  
"Not afraid of violence, eh? Care to rephrase that?"  
"........"  
"How about....not afraid of that ballet routine on your poncy show that you so affectionately call "Fighting"?...violence? *I'll* give you violence..."  
With a flick of his wrist, the vampire sends the spike hurtling at the comic action figure, knocking him out cold with the butt-end.  
  
[Scene changes to Spike's crypt, where Superman/Clark is chained to the wall with chains that glow green....]  
[Lois wakes, after fainting at the sight of her "hero" unconscious on the floor]  
["Super" man wakes with a splitting headache, feeling very weak and helpless]  
  
{L.M.G.:- Hurry up and get it over with please! I can think of better ways to spend my limited but quality leisure time, than writing fanfic involving that tosser and his airheaded bodyguard}  
  
Spike saunters in, pushing a surgical trolley, with his tools of torture neatly laid out in order of use. He shrugs,  
"Might aswell be organised."  
Lois tries to rush to Superman/Clark's side but feels herself pulled back. She turns, seeing a petite blonde girl holding the back of her jacket,  
"You're not going *anywhere*. I'm gonna enjoy this! Just sit back and enjoy the ride while you have the chance!"  
The almost defeated superhero lifts his head feebly,  
"You'll never get away with this! I shall use my laser-eye-thing to burn you to ashes!"  
He squints, and the red laser leaves his eyes, making its way over to Spike, almost in slow motion. Spike raises his eyebrow yet again, and steps out of the way.  
"Thanks for warning me."  
"I...I don't understand! You should be at heated to 30000000 degrees at *least*!!!!"  
Spike pushes his trolley towards the helpless man, a smile of forthcoming victory playing on his lips,  
"No. I'm cucumber. As in cool as a."  
He looks over to the Slayer, who is currently rending of Lois's swinging handbag,  
"Care to give me a hand?"  
"Just a minute." She grabs the hangbag, snaps off the straps, and ties Lois to the pillar with it, "Okay, ready!"  
The grinning vampire selects a hand-made railroad spike, made from the finest kryptonite around.  
  
[L.M.G.:-the *only* kryptonite around...]  
  
"Right, let's start at the very beginning."  
Lois burst into song,  
"A very good place to start!" She was silenced only by Buffy's elbow colliding with her chin.  
Spike stood arms folded, spike tucked into is belt,  
"What about his face?"  
Buffy shook her head,  
"Nuh-uh. It's plastic, he wouldn't feel it."  
"His chest?"  
"Plastic?"  
The vampire strung a long line of body parts, each one turned down on the basis that they were plastic.  
"Is there *anywhere* he isn't plastic?!"  
Lois, Superman and Buffy blushed, she pulled Spike closer and whispered in his ear,  
"Your joking!"  
"Nope."  
"But it can't be! That's ridiculous! It's...it's....I'm *not* going down *there*!! We'll have to think of something else."  
Buffy's nose crinkled in thought and then she grinned mischeviously, whispering in Spike's ear again, they giggle like school boys plotting their revenge on their female enemies.  
  
[2hrs later]  
[A green fire blazes outside the crypt, fuelled by - so obviously - kryptonite.]  
  
Spike and Buffy enter, Superman - who has fainted - in their arms. Without a second thought, they throw the "poncy bugger" into the flames watching with satisfaction as he melts. Spike is in hysterics, making fun off the "hero"'s cries for help,  
"Aaaaaah! I'm melting *giggle* I'm melting! Help me!"  
The Slayer begins to make fun of the journalists, frantic cries,  
"Help me! Superman! Somebody! *rolls around floor in hysterics* Please! Help!"   
  
[camera returns to Lois who is standing on a chair, whilst Amy, the witch/rat scuttles about, looking for food.] 


End file.
